I'd give anything. Really.

This is a really random post after a long hiatus from my blog.

Just about two minutes ago, I had a sudden thought of my late grandpa.

I occasionally have this moment for as long as I could remember and I don't even know why. He passed away when I was seven years old, and to be honest my memories of him are getting blurry by day. I don't remember much about him, all that I know is he's really important to me. It really upsets me that I could recall only a few scenes of him in my life. I really want to remember more but then again, I'm only human. I can't possibly force my brain to recall things from more than 14 years ago, could I?

I remember when we fight for the remote control cause he wants to watch wrestling but I want to watch cartoon. I took the batteries, he took the remote. Grandma won, cause we both can't change to our channels so she gets to watch her show instead (over Grandpa and I shouting at each other) (of me crying really, that old man got no mercy when it comes to wrestling)

I remember it was late at night and I couldn't sleep because mom was not home yet so I was left alone, scared and crying my lungs out. He woke up in the middle of the night to sit with me.

I remember the first day I went to kelas mengaji with my selekeh tudung on, he smiled and was happy for me.

I remember playing with his hearing aid, it was grey in colour. He can't hear but he doesn't like wearing the hearing aid so it's my toy. We only shout at him anyway, I think he prefers it that way. Outsiders may think we're rude to him, but really he just cannot hear AND his hearing aid is my toy.

I remember the days leading to his unforeseen death. We were moving to a new house and since there's no way Grandpa, Grandma and I can help out with the moving process, the three of us slept over at my aunt's for a few days. Long story short, Grandpa suddenly got so sick. He was admitted to the hospital, lost his eye sight, something bad was happening to his brain and all this happened in the span of 3 days. The seven-year-old me thought it was just another visit to the hospital you know. But one of the days in the hospital, I think my Grandpa lost track of time and he was confused because suddenly he underwent so many treatments, scan sessions and what not. I vividly remember this scene. I think he thought we're still at my aunt's so he shouted for me

"Bihah, tolong aku, depa semua ni nak bunuh aku!"

It breaks my heart every single time I remember that scene. 

He passed away in his sleep without no one's noticing.

I miss him. And tonight, I miss him more than ever.

I secretly wished that I would wake up in the morning to a text from my Grandpa checking in on me. I'd give anything for it really, though impossible.

But above all, I'd give anything as long as I won't ever forget him.

Love you Tok Budin, please come back.

Not My Rezeki, Again

The evil side of me is shouting "It's not fair!!!!" but the good side of me is always reminding me that "it is just not your rezeki, Bihah".

But of course, most of the time the evil side got the better hand of me. This is so frustrating. At the very least, I think I deserve to be disappointed.

Up till right now I just can't figure out what I did wrong or what I didn't do. 

Do you have it to?

The kind of things that you can only mention to yourself. The stuff that you can't even imagine coming out of your mouth. The idea that will only swarm your mind and heart. You can't even bring it up to the closest people you have in life.

This is just another one of my rants, it'll go away but I just need to blow off some steam.

But seriously?

Ugh.

Ya Allah, please give me strength.

My Desktop Background

It is actually a big deal for me!

I use my laptop almost all the time so it is important that I choose the perfect wallpaper.

I'd like to think that I actually take nice pictures (I am sometimes full of myself haha) and this has got to be one of my favs! So pretty, ain't it? The photo was taken in St Ives, Cornwall with my iPhone 5S.

This has been my wallpaper for the past 6 months (I think) and I've been taking thousand of pictures since then but I just can't get myself to change the wallpaper. Trust me, I've tried but nothing seems to fit well. There's just something so calming about this picture or probably I'm just indecisive but I don't know... This looks nice right?

I was in Italy recently - you know, the land of gelato - and I've attempted so many ice cream shots like this but none was as perfect as this.

Oh how I wish the weather right now is like last summer in Cornwall. Bring me back! I woke up this morning to snow outside my window. GUYS, IT'S NOT YET DECEMBER.

Oh wet, gloomy ol' London. Spare me some heat!

I think I'm just gonna stick with this picture till the next perfect picture I could take.

#bihahtravels

So, quite sometime ago, I started this hashtag on my Instagram feed. It's just you know, for my own personal satisfaction. I've been doing some travelling here and there since I've been living and (I promise) studying in the UK.

Like how can you not right? Take out the Europe map and have a look for yourself how close the famous cities are from London. And let me tell you something, London itself has a lot lovely places to visit. Sometimes, when I post pictures in London I use this hashtag as well. Cause you know what they say,

 "Student on the weekdays, tourist on the weekend!"

As of right now, I already have 111 posts for this hashtag! Eeeep, so happy :)

It is something I just recently realised you know. My passion for travelling. It really opened up my mind. MashaAllah, I'm so grateful for being given the opportunity and the health to travel. I hope everyone gets the same chance as I do!

Obviously, money is the most important thing you need cause guuurll, travelling ain't cheap! I'm so lucky the last trip I went with my sisters was an all-expense-paid vacation by one of them. But normally,  if I'm travelling with my friends, I will use my own savings. And to have enough savings to travel, in all honesty, you have to live a CHEAPSKATE life guys cause that's what I do.

My mom and one of my sister always scold me for being so cheapskate but I have to! You have to prioritise where your money go. My first year in university, I walk everyday to classes to save money. I sometimes only eat when I have to cause eating=flying money. You need to have discipline!

But of course it's easier to say than do. Everyone has their own ways of doing thing and this is mine.

Anyway, now I'm seeing my sister and sister-in-law using the same hashtag (with their own names of course) on their Instagram. At first I was like, "Hoi tiru orang!!" but I'm just glad that they did. More travel pictures for me to look at!!

I'm so sorry if my travel pictures are annoying cause I take the 'Insta' from the Gram quite seriously. Hahahah. I sometime forgot to put hashtag on my pictures and my friends be like, 

"Oh no Bihah, you forgot something!!! #bihahtravels"

And when my first picture for a certain trip goes up some will go,

"Ahha, the hashtag is back!"

Don't I have the loveliest friends? They actually care about my hashtag :')

The most important thing I learned from travelling is how powerful Allah is. Sometimes I just can't believe my eyes and my pictures will never do enough justice! Cause indeed, Allah is the Almighty.

So, if you have time, type in the hashtag on Instagram and enjoy. I promise I will try to take nice photos!

PS : I really should start blogging my travels but guys it's so haaaaard. Just look at my pictures first okay? Haha.

Stalking in Silence

Almost 5 months since my last post. Very the hangat-hangat tahi ayam.

The thing is, I am ALWAYS on Blogger. Every time I'm on my laptop, I'll click on Safari and the first page I'll visit is my Blogger timeline. Priorities! I don't follow that many blogs but when I do, I am always updated. I love reading people's blogs!

Buuuuuuuut, as for my blog, it might as well be dead. Hahaha. There are tonnes of things that I want to blog about. We've already been through half of the year 2015 and I have travelled a lot of places that I should share here buuuuut I. IS. LAZY.

There, I said it. *yawns*